Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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