She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
