why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
