i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
