oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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