He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
