I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
