That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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