you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
why do cheetos always look like penises
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
