shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
