update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
