upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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