I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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