Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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