there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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