I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
