just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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