He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
