Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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