No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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