You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
