I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just gargled with NyQuil
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
