butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
