Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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