i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
