someone threw a dead crab at me
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
