i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
