I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
