i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
