well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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