Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
