He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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