I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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