I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
