I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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