When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
