I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize