So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Randomize
