hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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