You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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