in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
