btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
