No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize