My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
