Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I enjoy the company of your penis
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
