The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
