well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
