Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
did i just pee glitter
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
