I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
