I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
