Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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