You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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