Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
