Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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