She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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