I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
