a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
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