In the future we'll all be gay
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize