God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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