so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
