I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
