Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
