Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I love having hate sex.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
