Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
