He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
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